Chapter 4: Buried Feelings

Just one week after the assault (and a month after the fraud), the family and I flew to India for my cousin, Sunny’s, wedding. Though some members of my extended family knew, a couple of my closest cousins at the time, the whole family hadn’t yet been told. Weddings are a celebratory event, so who was I to dampen the mood with all my troubles and feelings? The whole family was around me, smiling, laughing and dancing each day - how was I going to tell everyone that I was responsible for losing enough money to pay for that whole wedding? So…

I buried my feelings.

Every single day I woke up, put my feelings to the back of my mind, put on a smile and tried to be with the family as much as I could. I genuinely wanted to be there with them and have fun, but deep down, I was crushed. As the days went on, I continued to be as cheerful as possible, spending time with the family, though comments were made that I wasn’t my usual self and I wasn’t as lively or loud as they were used to. I shrugged it off and said I was fine. It wasn’t the right time to explain.

The day of the shagun (pre-wedding party) came. Knowing that all my family and family friends would be around, I knew I had to clear my head and be as fresh-faced as possible, so I showered up, put on my suit and just tried to calm myself, taking the night step-by-step. While waiting for everyone else to get ready, I received a Whatsapp phone call.

It was Dev.

No one else was around and I didn’t know what to do, so I picked up my phone. It was a heated conversation, and there were specific lines that still, to this day, linger in my mind. “I didn’t steal your money Akshay, I too got screwed over”. “I know I changed the bank details on the contracts, but I just wanted to make some money on the side. The majority of the money was for the event”. “I will pay you back, I promise”. “I swear on my dad’s life, I will pay you all of it back. Please just don’t go to the police”.

From what I remember, I was pretty speechless as the conversation went on… What could I say? All I could think of to say was, I guess we will see if you do or not, otherwise I’m going to the police. I hadn’t yet told him that I had already gone to Action Fraud. During that entire conversation I felt so weak, and didn’t know how to deal with the situation, so I rushed him off the phone saying that we’ll speak when I get back and hung up. I stood there alone in my room just so hurt and confused. Suddenly I heard a family member shout my name, and again…

I buried my feelings.

I mustered a smile and walked to my cousins’ room to join them for a drink. As the drinks were being poured, my mind drifted to the conversation with Dev and the situation I was in, and while standing there, my smile disappeared. My name was called by one of my cousins, but I just stood there unresponsive. It was called again to which I reacted and apologised, but they started to ask what was up. “Nothing, I’m all good”, fake smiling again. Sunny, the groom, who was my closest cousin, knew everything; he saw my face full of worry so stepped in and changed the subject away from me.

Together, we walked into the main hall and joined the rest of the family. As the night went on and drinks continued to flow, I was hoping that a combination of family, alcohol and music would help me forget my worries for the night and just enjoy myself. But I was wrong. My mind was overrun with thoughts and full of pain, which constantly wiped the smile from my face. One of my cousins pulled me aside and confronted me, asking what was going on. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it and that this wasn’t the time, but he kept pushing..

“Everyone is noticing that you’re not happy Akshay. What happened? Why are you not having fun?”

A couple more cousins had joined us at this point and my face flushed just looking at them. I couldn’t take it. I was just so full of emotion, my ears teared up and I had to get out of there. I turned around and walked out. They followed along with my younger sister and Sunny. Sunny caught up to me and took me into a room with everyone. At this point, I felt so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. In front of everyone, I broke down. It was probably the first time since it all happened that I let it all out. Sunny sat me down and asked me to first calm down and breathe. He asked if it was okay to tell everyone so that they’d understand to which I replied yes. He went on to explain, not telling them all the details but enough for them to understand my state of mind.

The amount of support I received from each of them was incredible. They let me know that they’ll always be there for me and to not let all this cloud my mind, to just clear my mind of it for now and enjoy the rest of the wedding with them. They let me cry as much as I needed while they consoled me, before asking if I was ready to go back out and join the rest of the family.

I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and we joined the rest of the family. Some started asking questions, but my cousins grouped everyone together on the dance floor and we tried to have as good as a night as we could. The next few days went by, comprising of both wedding prep and the wedding itself, where each day I put on a brave face and genuinely tried to enjoy myself and enjoy the precious time I had left with my family. Members of my own family and my cousins checked in with me from time to time asking if I was okay, but I guess I just shrugged it off, not wanting to be a burden on anyone.

After the wedding, my parents and older sister travelled to Bali, but my younger sister had university so her and I came back to London. On the return journey, I developed an infection in both my ankles and therefore was unable to return to work. The doctor instructed me to stay home for one week until the swelling in each ankle went down. With my sister at uni, I was home alone. With the investigation by Action Fraud still ongoing, and the scar on my head as a constant reminder, I found myself spending hours each day battling thousands of questions circling constantly in my head. Why did such things happened to me, what I did to deserve all of this, how I was going to show my face at work? My mind was racing each day. I didn’t know what to do and had no one to talk to about it

Every couple days, my parents would call to see how I was and give me an update on their holiday and adventures. Should I tell them how I was feeling? Why should I be the one to ruin their holiday by telling them all my issues and problems? No, I can’t be the reason that they spend their days worrying about me when they should be enjoying their holiday!

I buried my feelings.

Again, putting on a brave face, “Hi guys, how’s your holiday!? How’s the weather? What have you guys been up to?” “Yeah I’m okay, the swelling is decreasing, just studying a bit each day, ‘ready’ to go back to work next week!” I tried to keep it as brief as I could and make out that I was okay, and that was that.

The day came to finally return to work, and I knew that I couldn’t let what I went through affect my attitude at work nor my work ethic, so I pushed my feelings as down deep as I could. I guess I also just wanted to forget everything that had happened and not let it continue to be a burden on my life each day. So I carried on with work as if life were normal. My parents flew back the week after, and they too settled back into the normal work routine. Each evening, mum would pick me up from the station after work, “How was your day Akshay?”, “Yeah was alright, how was yours?” My family and I had never sat down to actually discuss how any of us felt during the aftermath of both the fraud and the assault. I am not sure whether that was due to me feeling completely ashamed in front of my own family, not knowing what my family thought of me and my actions, or just no one wanting to confront what had happened.

Not wanting to confront my feelings or confide in those around me, I buried my feelings deep within myself and forced my life to return to normal, hoping that those feelings of regret and heartache would one day fade away.

This was not the way.